dealing with the feeling

Of disappointing your parent

S

This innate primitive feeling for those of you that have had it

And it wont let u move past

But u can stay with it

Yes

Why the hell not

Ok I m here

I ve been an ass to my mum and dad

And to myself

Ohh that lovely strangely familiar feeling of guilt

In ur gutter

Gutter feeling

I have no internet so cant google shit stuff and words

Cant watch porn either

Which is a good thing

I went with a new friend to a public library and as soon as we sat down he said shall we watch some porn

Interesting

I m still laughing

So I m happy again I guess

It s just here to highlight the fear that s still there

It resides

It’s a dread

It s like oh I m scared genuinely when I ring my parents and I must be in a certain state of mind

Ready for what s coming

It s not right

I m letting go little by little

Or am i

Let s see

See what happens but I can not be that dis interested

It s my life

And I m starting to care]

And it s scary

It s scary to identify myself with my life and then

I m not handling it perfectly

But

At least it s mine

I can say that with some respect

It s mine

It is

It s a lot

And I m crying cos I think it s a lot

It s such a relief

I m feeling it

It s mine

And it s big

And it s what it is

A great victory in that I m feeling it s actyally mine

And I cant stop crying

Bit o don’t want to

It s tears of happiness

And joy

That it s mine

Like the rain

It s been replaced by my horse

My horse has been around and has travelled and now the drops are racing each other and it smells like cheese

It s all a bit cheesy

But

I like cheese

It s the only thing in my fridge

It s the only thing allowed in my fridge

Today is the opening of the frieze festival

And as an art professional I ought to go

But

I feel like I have something to gain

But

Also

Lose face

Faith

Nah

Fuckit

Well fuckin sixteen then

Oct 13