hiding from bailifs

Has got to be the most negative experience than talking to bailiffs

I mean I have two friends that chose to do this job

Did they

I mean

It s such a negative carma and I m sorry

We all pay for our mistakes

But who do we pay them to

I could sue them

Could i

I do fantasize of suing people and it s a good fuckin feeling

Excruciatingly pulling their legs off their sockets

Expertly like a lego warrior

Or a fitness instructor

Or a surgeon

I don’t like doctors at the moment

I ve moved past my yoga

I came here to relax- in the park- the woman and I chose the same bench

And I can hear her talking on her phone

Fair enough

There is no really room to relax in this country

Could I technically tell her to fuck off?

I could equally talk on the phone really loud- with my bailiffs

And a kid is walkin past with its ball and its family and it all goes according to the plan

Self destruction

Exploitation

Explosion

Explanation

I mean really- fuck off for fucks sake

If u came here to talk I think it s not fair for me what do u think

I came here to relax

Well clearly it s the wrong planet

It s a place in Clapton with bikes people and cars

So you name it

I want a bus to venice- not a car or a plane  want that red bus – I m really tempted to just fly away

It s just so stressfull and it s just not fair any more

Is it??

I mean who knows it s a whole family and me

It s like I m selfish for needing this space on earth

And they are genuinely sorry

Shall I tell them about my bailiffs

Maybe I could gain something back by uploading my shit here

It s not that bad

It s just not

This girl is giving me attitude

And what is your problem girl

I mean whoever  it s schizophrenia

What about

If I claim schizophrenia as it s really fresh I could for sure claim personal problems

Mitigating circumstances

Oh yes I m on disability benefits yes cos I m schizophrenic

What did u say lara

No I m not catatonic

I hopefully am not violent although- who knows- u never know with these things

I may regress and eat your throat

If I m hungry

Yes yes so that s right your problem should be how not to keep me hungry

Today was the day I was going to make my case study

That s the thing

It wasn’t

I did the table for it

I could re visit it tomorrow

And just do that

And the woman keeps talking- it s ok quite all right

It s a child next to me and its all fine it s all right

Wind is blowing on my face

And you know she did a shity thing but its ok to be surrounded by a family

By family

What if I start crying which I am about to

Is it wrong to cry in the park next to a happy family

I m doing it

Its universal

They wont leave me alone

No one ever does that is my problem

It s a bit of a shame u know they ll probably leave if I start crying

Oh and the drunk

Ah it s me the drunk and the girl in the dress that s crying that s me

And the family

Of kids and horses

It was a nice afternoon last nite

And the guy read my book and called it intimate and very feminine

Mm true very true

And as I was saying

If I break anyones privacy that should be mine innit

Time for a coffe and a cock

Xxx x

23 7 13

A lot of crying

A lot of writing

A lot of trying

x