its crazy n here

i m here
in the hackspace
in the heart of space
with a high sounding ventilator type of thing next ot me
is it gonna blow up
they said no
isnt it
it s like a hoover
the kinda sound that can make me cry
it can make me cry
i promised myself
that land
that trea situation
situated
in the trees
in the trees
in the trees
in the trees
in the trees
in the trees
i mean
are you fuckin kidding me
are you kidding me
are you
kidding me
are you
kidding me
are you
kidding me
am i havin a break down
a nervous break down
i might do
i may as well
who gives a shit
i m done
it s boring
i cant be close to the edge all the fuckin time
no one really gets it
no one really understands
how desparate i really am
i am fuckin desparate
i m crying with what s the name
lugmous
i mean
i dont give a fuck
i m breakin up
i m breakin down
i should contact someone
some guy asked me if i m okay
i told him yes i just like to do this right now
i like to do this
get the attention by crying
a cry for help
literally
i m dying
i m cryin
a hoover next to me
computer still being an ass
guy is still tryin to help
it s not helping
it s just makin it worse
i m not sure egsactly what to do
what s the insight
what am i expected to do
if you ve ever felt sorry for me
or if i ever made you laugh
or if you ever read my blog
and cried
and laughed
and if you like to give me any money for it
this is the time
i try to go to edinburgh and i booked accomodation - youth hostel bungle bed- and what else
i dont know what else
that s that
and i wanna do some comedy when i get there
so if you think i should
give me some money
click on the link
this is not a joke
it s as real as it gets
it s a form of fund raising
it s like that
i m panicking
i am shitting myself
it s horrible
i can t do it any more
i m in pain
and sorrow
and i m not sure what to do with myself
i ll have a cup of tea
4 8 15

this is kinda

crazy how we found each other
this is not a mirror
this is not a mirror
but we found each other
we r made of the same stuff
we r equally damaged
and equally tallented
we are we
baby
we are i
we are me
you are my hand
and i got nothing to give to u
and when i m angry
you are angry
and when i make a mistake
u can t save it
cos there s no tomoro
today
it s a hypotheses
a hypothetical fact
cos these conversations didnt happen
for a reason
cos it s neccessairy
for the things
to air
to be heard
twice
cos it s twice in my head
cos ur head
is in my head
and
knowingly
up ur asshole
at a time like this
u fucked it up
already
we knew it
u r not together
are you
that s what it is
it s full moon
and its six months until i met you
maybe time works backwards
forwards
maybe i ve seen the end
for a reason
this is the beginning
ha
hm
3 8 15
do i want to

excellent

it s saturday nite
at my studio
and i m crying
what is wrong with this picture
i learnt today about the happiness representation
analysis
it became clear
it is clear
to me and to anybody else
thing is
no one should care
in the end of the day
if it is right or wrong
or what
i need six hundred pounds to do this course
it would be fun
it would be fine
also let s think
two weeks
that s ten days
by four classes a day
that s 40 classes
by 10 pounds a class
that s 400 pounds
but that s six hundred pounds
but that s laban
and it s a good qualification i guess
i was explaining to francis today about
sensitivity and my view of the world
why indeed
i ll google sylvia plath
i ll check out what the problem was
essentially
a dick husband
a troubled childhood
fuck
init
18 7 15

the thing is dot

if we look back
at this moment in time
we r worse than fuckin natzis
for one they believed what they were doing
i dont know if that s good or bad
but at least u r true to yourself

we
on the other hand
supposingly dont believe in slavery
yet we practice it cosistantly
i dont mind
i m just sayin
i d rather believe in slavery
than not
since i practice it anyway
or
better still
i should stop practicing
aint it
simple enough
mister


yours
nomisterakia
early joke

i m gonna write

although i m tired
what happened
living room seems cheerful
familiar
computer started playin the game
i can watch porn
i can fuck xxx
which one
dont be stupid
i wake up horny
i m happy
i have a sex life
i have a love life
i have a sex lice
license
haha
i stopped myself
i think xxx logs in as i log out
literally and metaphorically
the other way round
i dont care
i dont give a shit
i might say something
next time or tomoro
again
there s a revenue
who s alfie
i ll google him
in the artworld
a female comedian
a female vagina
why are you surprized
turnerprized
imagine
now imagine
if a woman comedian got the turner prize for this year
hahaha
i love you
you and anybody else
this girl today was so hot
and she had two children
and she was genuinely hot
she s from that place
iceland
like there s no tomoro
again
life is a myth
i love this guy
he just appeared out of the blue and he started sorting my life out
motivational tapes and all these
how to take over the world in three steps
like there s no tomoro
today
init
18 7 15

im in edinbrah

my breath is smellin and i need to brush my teeth
my tits
all nice
i m lookin out and i see
online shore fifth floor
maybe i should do that
virtual reality fifth floor
online stand up show
or just open mike
tryin out new material
meaning stickin things up your ass
or ur vagina
cos i got the vagina
so far so good
daddy paid for the hostel
and i feel like we r comin together as to why the guy blah blah
and i dont have to save anyone
episis when u like someone
u think that the whole world revolves around her
so why not do it with you
i like my bed
i had a right little snooze i did
i like russel brand
i like sleeping
i like being
incapacited
i like my life
i like life
i like this view and that we r high
i like people
lovely people
i m ready to shock them
it ll be a laugh
wherever u put me i ll be takin minute silences for kids in china made our phone
i ll google it right now
for the now
there s no tomoro
celavie
x
11 8 15

do u remember

that moment in the plane
when it had landed
and u were in the plane thinking
be careful what u wish for
in a way u knew that if you werent allowed in the country]
that could have saved u the pain
u did know
we know everything
at any given time
we may refuse to tap into it
that knowledge
it may not suit us
it may not be the ideal possibility
however it is the truth
and there is only one truth
one underlyin truth
one version of events
that happens
knowingly
that is so close to the truth
to the universal truth
to love
that love
wasnt gonna exist
not like that
it wasnt gonna manifest itself at this point
and that s what it is my dear friends
an unmanifested love
of the universe
the universal studios
were to come later
and russel brand
and the baby
and there s no tomoro
again
but
think about it
that full body experience
of no tomoro
of regret
of balls
great fuckin balls
u have urself to regret
u have urself to thank
for being you
unmanifested
love
it s gonna be fine
what was that
she ll hurt u in the end\
or something
love is something
this cry was comin
in a million years
we done it
it s done
in the end of the fuckin day
love unmanifested
like theres no tomoro
again
3 8 15

is there a place to sit

so there used to be the art world
no
there wasnt
that was the problem with art
the problem with art is the artworld
and anyway
comedy actually questions stuff
that s what i know
and the show in roundhouse
which dont come every day tho init
so it s a good place to find and a good place to be
it s a good find
a nice bar also with a beautiful one seater
and a bar that s beautifully old
with crazy fans like flowers
so i asked myself
and this guy i said
i d like to join you
i m too excited
isnt it
i m like yey
i can come by one of these days in the week
i can be there at seven
send him stuff
google him
it s all a bit too crazy
too official
and unofficial
what would u like me to say
init
i mean
power trip
ur the directive director of my show
bollox
no but if i dont shit on the audience
things will be beautiful
once again
i didnt ask almost as i am beautiful
and see
it s gonna work out
comedy laughs
the girl sorted something out and i
yes i
can rent the flat to two people in london
problem is i dont trust them
and i can t be there for my beautiful new girl
that is the problem
or i can add a cleaner on top
i dont know
what do u do
do u have 100 pounds to spare
that s the secret
i blew 450 like that
just like that
u can not cross un cross urself for anything
it could have gone horribly wrong
u were preparing for an audition
yes it was a dance class
but still
u d be too happy
u still couldnt do the pirouettes
and the guy said u can join us
but he was merely being polite
and unemployed
and i couldnt go to the members area
or could i
i could
i can now
now i m underwhelmed
with the fact that i m not rentin my flat
my fat cunt
i dont know
i feel a bit surreal
les see
let s just bloody do it
shall we
lets
8 11 15

i m married to death

i m married to forever ness




so secretary was my idea of romance
once again
the girls got the balls
u change continent u fly away
whatever happens
doesnt matter
it was a step too far
i went to la
i could have gone to jail ey
i could have turned up in a wedding cake
the thing is
the difference between u and me
she had balls
she had seen the vulnerability
and i had seen the back of it
i had seen the getting over me
she had seen the suffering
i had seen the piece of the suffering
i wouldnt have known
what suffering i could have caused
she loved him
she thought she had the solution
i didnt
he told me i got dad issues
he had seen red
i couldnt help him
i could have proposed with a dress
long story short
maybe i am made for russel brand
it was typing of]
of
what s he made of
shit
megastone
luis ck
he s a great writer
hes a poet
he was all there with his spoken word bit
he would terribly put me off
he s so sensitive
but
butt
he loves me
he doesnt know it
yet
he kinda did there for a second
but he hasnt emailed me
so what does he say
hi i m russel brand
u told me to email you
you ordered me
well
what can i say
take me out on a date
somewhere nice
quick
and quick
do u say that
i could say it again the next time
i could say
we dont have to talk
u can take heroin
that s not funny
fukky
fuckyin funny
anyway
i almost proposed to xxx
i guess i can ask russel out
i mean
what s the difference
what s the fuckin difference
u know what u know
so what is a narcissist
i dont think he is
he has a lot of empathy
and he s very sensitive
why the fuck does he bang on about the narcissistic personality
hes lovely he is
he s troubled
and as he said
his life ]
lends itself to frustration
alienation
ation
intonation
hesitation
psychological profiling
what do u do with a girl that thinks she s getting a porsh
and she is
cos she is
cos she fuckin said so
init
1 st of august
what else do u wanna know
it smells of fart
what do u do
i m happy
i m light
i m airy
i saw me yesturday and it reflected all that
today i watched suicide
cheered me up
haha
what else happened
hackney
hackney happened
streets of hollywood
burst down in tears
flames
i dont like the word flame
what it does to the sound
sounds like floky
u can say fire
i suppose
candle
stick
yellow
piss
associaton
beer
what s association spelled likeinit
the music from the secretry reminds me i have no balls
no crazy falls
i didnt ask
i didnt get
nearly
not nearly enough
can we go through that again
really
nearly
he said
i said
but i wasnt there
i went there
let s just focus on that
ford focus
is for the norm
i m gettin a porsh
an out of here
in my head
hollywood is a mechanism
a slow mechanism
who cares
and who gives a shit
i wanna do comedy
co me dy
and if you think
mediocre aftistan
u ll put me low
put me down
set me on fire
u think again\
cos that s where the mind stops
right there
i m psychosis
i m filotimo
im winning
and u know
i m breakin the porsh
and i m picking russel on
and he ll be fine
and he ll be on fire
i ll google his friend mat
now
yep it was him
xx
1st of august
as i said

maybe it s time

for a book
or some water
or less depressing writing
or thinking
or i mean
it s not working
let s stay negative
it s not working
i m givin up
i ll have to draw the line
myself
if
i havent got everything sorted a week before my holiday
i probably shouldnt be goin on a holiday
is that right
like a punishment
no where to go
no one to blame
i feel like shit
like any other shit
any old shit
i feel like getting a job at spearmint and rhino
it s a great place
i d love to mastrubate in front of healthy millionaires
millionaires shortbread
breadcum
what s the name
breadrrumb crumb
we got it
in any case

i dont know what i m doin here
im thinking of less desparate days
that were sometimes sad
like i was getting ready to go out
with no knickers
remember that nite
that was life
worth living
or was it
i mean
it was a physical abuse

or what
knowingly
a big dick that s not supposed to fit
but
it made some comedy
comedy cock
that sthe one
coffee and cock and comedy
co co co
co co co
maria tea
coffee and cock
4 8 15

how

just how
do i disable the bullshit from pooping up\
literally
do i stop listening
do i stop caring
i gave xxx some shit some well spent shit i m kinda saving for a special occasion
i m sorry
i feel guilty now
on top of everything
i needed to create a drama
i could be with more interesting people
i dont know
do i unnerve everyone
i m not bothered
i m not fussed
no body really understands what i m going through
what do u recon
is gonna happen
like there s no tomoro
today
what do u think is gonna happen
nothing mate
nothing absolutely nothing
no thing
not a thing
nothing
nothing
i have five days to live
leave
it s been the same with hollywood
it s been the same with everything
i ll kiss ass
i ll suck cock
these things dont exist
as options
in a million years
my parents dont know
dont understand
i can borrow six hundred pounds for the rent and i can still not have enough
that s the truth
that s the spirit
it s the true spirit
i mean for real
i dont understand
how is anyone supposed to live
in order to survive
it s the money
is it the money
is it the consciousness
a different set of friends\
of adventures
of knowingness
of quality of life
of life
a different set of life
and lies and what lies within
i m sorry i m so sad
i m glad russel brand isnt comin here tonite
i m fuckin sorry
it s not for me
nothing is
for me
knowingly
i m not sad
i m just upset
i told xxx off
i had no right
of no tomoro
today
i m just upset
i m upset
but i can look somewhere else and be fine
i can sell my machine i ll be fine
fine
i wish i had things to sell
kidneys
books
whatever\
i m angry at my parents
i m angry at my uncle
i m angry at myself
i m angry god sent xxx
but then xxx wouldn t have wanted to spend 500 pounds in five days for me tho
cos everyone s trying to make money of me
cos i can take it
cos i dont need it
cos i m a fairy
i m superficial
i have no real needs
in order to survive
like everybody else
cos i m not everybody else
init
i am me
and in order to me
to be me
to stay with me
me
me needs to be done
certain things
certain me s
mees
like i need to change lap tops
or save this one
yes let s go for save this one
like go to homerton and ask here see my laptop
is crazy
in order to survive
it has to kill me
like me
a bit of a drama day anyway
not needed
not neccessairy
i - as we heard me sayin in the past- will need an assertiveness course
what do u recon is gonna happen
i m gonna start asking
around
like there s no tomoro
today
like
what do u think is gonna happen
er?
dunno
this isnt about xxx
this is about xxx
i d still be here
alone
survive
it doesnt need to be like that
dear old life
it needs to be happy
anyway
i should go and see russel brand
again
what do u recon
and in the end of the day
why not
what else do i have to do
this boy got a one less leg cos of a bike accident
so me
i ll go check out russel brands tickets
why not
4 8 15

so i say

casually]

hello xxx
like nothing s happening in my soul
like i have things to do'= people to see
that are more important
like my heart isnt bleeding
like my pussy isnt burning
like i havent watched porn
like i havent bothered with condoms
like my vagina isnt good enough
it is
good enough
it is magic
and anyway
with the this and the that
i logged off facebook
i m thirsty now and i live on the third floor
i m fucked
literally and metaphorically
in any case im not
i m safe
safely done
safely un done

i saw xxx
he s sooo annoying
i swear he s crazy
like the kinda annoying u can t tolerate
like he wont shut up
for nothing
i had to say shush
shush so i can talk
shush so i can say what i want
and stop touching me
and he tried to kiss me on the lips
i guess we all have to give it a go
i guess i could have done the same
i guess he felt obliged to kiss me
maybe he felt it was too good
maybe he felt too much
maybe it was the point
he closed the door and couldnt re open it
xxx babes
i never ment to play with you
in those terms
i wanted to play clean
i think
maybe it was neccessairy
third time lucky
the luxury of the bauhaus
in any case
a film called sorry
who wants to see it
a film called save
or safe
or sorry
a film called democracy
a film called aristocracy
meritocracy
we ll see
he may get married
but right now he s happily married
he still wants to think he d be a naughty boy
he wants to be treated like that
and he will
safe or sorry
we ll see
mother fucker
x

this wosnt

had to tell you
i ll help you

i am an artist and i have a lot to give

that lingo from the producers - oh everyone s talking blah blah they r full of shit
i ll help you


maybe you are projecting
maybe you are full of shit
i have a lot to give for someone that can see that
and therefore their approach wont be i ll help you
mister wanker
it ll be more like i ll help myself
i ll use your talent to exist
cos i m a producer and i need the artist
and visa versa
but dont feel is charity
you helped countless individuals with no talent already
i m not one of them
i m fuckin sorry




(facebook instead) I met this greek producer guy and he was all like I ll help you, ... comin to think about it, I don't want your help.
 it s the wrong trip, its the wrong approach. if you think I got talent, use it, point me to the right direction , do what you can. but help,
in any way, is patronizing. I ll fuck you. how about that?